My new book!

Hello everyone!

Sorry I’ve been away for quite a while but I can finally announce that my nonfiction short story is now on amazon kindle for 99p! 

I wrote it under the alias of Maggie Crooks because it is very personal and I wanted to protect my family and friends, but all names have been kept out of it. I wanted to tell you all this because I am not ashamed of the content. I simply wanted to protect the people in my book. 

It’s all about my battle with depression and I wanted to create mental health awareness as I think that it is still a subject we don’t talk about. I hope you can help me to create awareness and I hope you enjoy it! 

Maggie Crooks -The Black Hole in My Mind
Can also find me on wordpress at: maggiecrooksblog.wordpress.com

And on twitter: @crooks_maggie

My Struggle with Depression

How my writing began, I’m not really sure. I guess it was when I was in my early teens. Using it as an escape from the turmoil that I was going through at school at the time. Like a lot of children, I was a victim of bullying. I used writing stories as a way to escape and take myself to new worlds. A place which was just for me! No one would bother me in this place. It was my safe place.

Telling my teachers resulted in the bulling becoming worse. And at the age of fifteen, with the bullying and the death of my great grandmother, I had a nervous breakdown. It took me a year to get myself into a state where I could control my emotions.

Depression runs in my family. I knew it would always be there, in the back of my head. A black ball of smoke, ready to burst and break free of its shackles, that my counsellor had helped me to create over time with painting and art at our sessions. I knew it would linger, and I was right. I had my dark days and my brilliant days! I got through college and a crappy relationship without much trouble. I met my wonderful, loving fiancee and we’ve been together almost five years.  Everything seemed perfect. We’ve lived together for two years and he’s the best thing in my world.

But, then I got the job from hell and soon enough the smoke was free and corroding my happy days! Darkness filled every cell of me until I was just a little spec in the centre of my mind. A tiny voice of light.

After seven months of hell, I finally broke and began thinking about drowning myself in the bathtub. Then the tiny voice of light spoke and I told me it was time to find help. After much contemplation I made the phone call to the doctors and soon I was prescribed medication to keep me mellow and a counselling company had my details. I felt a small weight lift from my shoulders and I felt as though I could hold my head high. I handed in the sick note my doctor gave me and began my search for another job, while I waited for my counselling sessions to begin. Now, everyone knew. My shameful secret was out! I began feeling anxious, and being around people became a little unbearable. I could only stand being around family and my fiancee. This caused issues because while I was alone dark thoughts were still clouding my mind.

Then I discovered photography and art. I discovered that just because I was ill and couldn’t stand being around people, didn’t mean I had to be around them. I could take my camera, go for a walk and take as many pictures as I wanted and in my own time.

I’ve always loved drawing and painting and began taking it a little more seriously. Then I took the plunge, I decided to change my life, and applied to University. I got in!

Once my counselling sessions started I felt more comfortable talking to people. My counsellor told me that my recent creativeness is a therapy that I had created for myself. Which is true, once I had thought about it properly.

Currently, I am still off work, taking my medication and going to counselling weekly. But, I have come a long way and have finally found my niche. I love blogging, photography and drawing. My self confidence is the best it has been in years and I now know that having depression is an illness! It is something to be taken seriously, but not to be ashamed of! Don’t be ashamed! I’m not! You have to embrace everything about yourself because it has made you the beautiful person that you are. As Taylor Swift says, “Let the hater’s hate!”

I still struggle sometimes to keep positive and I still have my dark days, but I’m getting there. I have University coming up, I have a roof over my head and a fiancee and family who love me! You have to be thankful for the little things in life. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. You’re depression does not define you and you are not alone! Don’t suffer in silence! Tell someone, anyone! You deserve to be happy! We all do!

I guess this post is an extention of my bio. I just wanted to write a little bit more about myself and how I came to love writing, reading and art. All these things have banded together to help me create a safe, hate and depression free space for myself. Find what you are passionate about and do more of it! Look after yourself! Go to the gym! Stay in bed! Eat that chocolate! Eat the apple! Whatever floats your boat, do it! I love bad food and good food! I love walks and teddy bears! I love to watch anime in bed! I love drawing whatevers in my head and writing just about anything! If you’re lost and you don’t feel as though you can talk to anyone at the moment keep a diary, so when you are ready to talk you can go back and reflect on your progress.

I know this is a long post and I thank you so much for finishing it. I just had so much to say! This is my way of raising awareness about depression, that it is an illness and you can change how you are feeling. With some time and a lot of talking you can be whatever you want to be.

Help yourself! Love yourself! Afterall, there is only one you!

Aimee X

I’m back!!!! 

It’s so good to be back! I know it’s been a while since my last post but I have been going through a difficult period in my life and this post today is just to update you on what’s been going on. 

For the past few months (seven) I have been suffering from depression. It took me a long time to realise what I was going through and it took even longer for me to actually ask for help. I felt ashamed and angry that once again I had delved into the black pit that seems to never end. It was at school when I first suffered from this illness and I had sought help and happily recovered. Since then I had been able to manage my emotions, even though I still had my dark days. 

It was only a few weeks ago that I realised that I was suffering from depression again. Everything had built up until I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to die. But, I refused to let this ‘thing’ beat me. I couldn’t do it to my family, to my fiancée. I went to the doctor and she helped me to organise counselling and gave me some medication, and after a few weeks the dark days don’t seem so dark anymore. I actually have light in my life! I have a wonderful, loving family! A fiancée who loves me and I have the power to change my life. 

I have applied to university and will be attending in September to do Digital Journalism. I am excited and nervous but the change in direction will be good for me. Doing what makes me happy is what matters right now. All the positives are a step forward to my recovery and I know that it will take time, I will have my dark days, but I will be okay. I’ll fight through it until the dark days evaporate! 

I just want to say to the people who are like me, suffering in silence…don’t! Don’t be scared or ashamed of how you feel! Talk to someone, anyone! Don’t hold inside your inner demons! Even when you have help it’s okay to not feel like smiling! Don’t feel weak for getting help, because you deserve to be happy! We all do! 

Just remember there are people who love and cherish you! Be you and be happy! You are a smart, beautiful, talented person who deserves everything that they want in life! Love yourself! 

I love you, so should you! 

Aimee X